


Mine always.

by Nemo87



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clexa Endgame, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Sexual Content, alcohol use, break ups
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-16 23:29:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20611151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nemo87/pseuds/Nemo87
Summary: Hello so this is my first attempt at writing anything ever!!. So beware lol, I’m pretty sure my English teachers passed me because I enjoyed reading not because of anything grammatical. So you guys can give it a shot if you want. And please please correct my mistakes and help me with anything you guys see wrong. Thank you all in advance.





	1. Chapter 1

The present

Have you ever just hated everything?? Not stuff like dirt under your nails, or a crazy hair day, or just the mediocre daily stuff from day to day ?.Or when Sometimes getting out of bed is a hassle, especially when you can't even figure out a reason too move?. I've been finding more and more reason to do just that. "not move".

Ring.... Ring .....Ring...

God please make it stop. ...

Ring.... Ring ....Ring....

No matter how much I want it to be her, I know it's not. She left me!!

Ring.......... Ring

"What" I say as I answer the phone.

" ohh so you've decided to join the living?"

I hear my best friend Anya say on the other end. I can only groan In frustration with the pounding headache I feel coming on.

"Why are you calling so soon, you only just left",..

Looking at the time on my phone 11:39am..."An hour ago wtf Anya?"

"I know, I know " she says. Sounding just ass drunk and tired as me. Some of us have shit to do! Anyways I got to thinking after I left my uber, and I just couldn't leave you alone for the day . Your always trying to hide your feelings from us, but we know what your going through, and I- I guess I'm just worried about you!"

Feeling frustrated and exhausted. And on top of that I can still taste the vodka on the back of my tongue..

"Anya I don't need the pity party right now ok!"

If only she knew that every time I looked to my friends for help or even for some fun! they look at me with so much pain and they feel sorry for me. I can almost see my own pain reflected in their eyes. There's a pause in the phone and then a heavy sigh.

"Clarke please we are just worried about you. When Lexa left it wa.. "

"Stop!! don't you fucking dare make an excuse for her!"

I say through clenched teeth. I can feel the anger pulse through my vains. (Or maybe that's just the vodka)

"She left because she wanted too. She left everything we've built together, she left us,... Anya, She left ME!!"

I can feel the hot tears falling down my cheeks. I can feel the the phone crushing under the pressure of my grip, but more importantly I can feel my chest constrict. My knees buckling under the weight of my heartache. Because the love of my life left me.. She left me.

"Before you start pointing fingers, don't act like you didn't play a role in the decision she made." Anya says.

Not wanting to hear anymore I tell Anya goodbye and hung the phone up before she could say anything else. Rolling onto my back I feel the sadness starting to leave my body only to be replaced with anger. How could she think I had something to do with her leaving ? Or better yet,  
Was Lexa telling her things?  
Anya is Lexa cousin, and they've always been really close. She's actually the reason me and Lexa are together. Well were I should say. "Uuuugh" tired of feeling sad for myself I head for the shower to get my day started.

*****************************

Feeling some what better after my shower, already dressed for today. I'm in the kitchen starting the coffee when I hear my phone buzz..  
It's not her.  
I have to tell myself every time I hear a notifications go off. Looking down I see a few meaningless text, one From my co worker. lying about why they can't come into work. Rolling my eyes I continue going through my text. Seeing one from my mom asking for lunch soon. And one from Anya.

ANYA (12:51) Hey sorry about this morning, I know your hurting. Lexa is too. I haven't seen her like this since high school when you were dating pimple face.  
She doesn't talk to me. she only buries herself into that damn company. I almost wish she hadn't inherited it...... Anyways lets do drinks tonight? I'll pay for everything as a peace offering😝.

I type out a quick reply.

CLARKE (12:54) Sure!! I hope this is your pay week, because I'm going to take full advantage of your peace offering.😜

ANYA (12:59) Uuuhh your a pain in my ass. Haha see you tonight after work.

Placing the phone back on the counter. I can't help but to feel the pain in my chest at the though of Lexa being in so much pain. And it's because of me in so many ways, but I would never come second to anything. Especially not to some bullshit company. Even if it meant losing her. I try to blink away the tears as I remember the look on her face the day she left.......

3 weeks ago

"Clarke" stop this. Your making it seem like I've abandoned you."

"Haven't you Lexa? I don't see you anymore since you started working at that fucking place. It's just you and your thoughts and you don't talk to me. You don't touch me. I can barely get you to hold a conversation with me about the most mundane things. Like hey babe how was your day? How are you feeling? I can't even remember the last time you've really looked at me."

I watch her take a few steps forward, her Forest green eyes glazing over with confusion like she has no idea what I'm talking about.

"Baby please listen to me!" She says.

"No!!" I yell at her making her stop in her tracks. "You can't just baby me and it'll fix us right now because it won't. You promised me you would always put me first!"

I see her pause in thought. Measuring her response before she speaks. As much anger as I feel towards her at this moment, she still has the power to render me speechless. After six years together, she's undeniably more beautiful than the day I met her. Standing there her white button up tucked into her designer pants. Her sleeves pulled up just below her elbows, her hair pulled into a braid over her shoulder. And her scent... Mmmmh has always done something to me.  
.........God when did we get here?.

"Clarke!"

She says as she pinches the bridge of her nose. Pulling me out of my own thoughts.

"Look I know it's been hard on you, but please understand this hasn't been easy for me either. Babe we've been struggling to keep our bills paid since graduation, and now I'm a millionaire!!!! a fucking millionaire. I know it seems like I'm distracted or distancing myself from us but trust me please! everything will be fine."

She takes another step towards me. And I stop her again.

"What was yesterday Lexa?"

She looks at me dumbstruck questioning me.

"What?"

"You heard me what was yesterday?" I snap back.

I can see her struggling to think of anything important that she could have missed.

"I don't want to play a guessing game right now Clarke". She says as she starts walking towards the kitchen to grab a beer.

I know at any minute she's going to shut down and shut me out from her thoughts......so I press her.

"Six years ago I told you I was in love with you. And I asked you to be mines."  
I say in almost a whisper.

She almost chokes on the huge gulped of beer she was trying to swallow as realization hits her. She's scrambling to find the date on her phone.

"NO NO NO" she says.

For a second I want to take pity on her because she's my baby. And I can see how hurt she is that she missed our anniversary. She rushes over to me wrapping me up in all that is Lexa. Her touch, her embrace and her scent. It unarmed me.

God this woman was built just for me, and instinctively I find myself wrapping my arms around her shoulders, more from habit than anything else. But the warmth I feel from being in her arms is overwhelming. I breath her in. I can hear her whispering into my neck

" I'm so sorry baby, I'm a idiot. Time has just gotten away from me recently. Please forgive me babe"

Taking a chance she kisses me on my neck

"I'm sorry" she tightens her grip around my waist.

"I love you"

another kiss. I start to relax against her.

"I promise I'll make this up to you"

she places the softest of kisses to my lips and I almost melt.

" I just have to go to the office tomorrow and finish with the board meetings and......

Before she can finish her sentence I pull away from her.

"Are you fucking serious right now? It's been months since you've even gotten this close to me. And even after I tell you, you missed something so damn important, your still talking about that damn place?"

"Clarke your being selfish. Everything I do is for us. And I'm just securing our future"

Deep down I know she's right, but it feels so wrong.

"Is this what I have to look forward to?"

I think to myself. A future without her being home?. A future where she forgets our anniversaries?

"Lexa if I wanted some rich workaholic I could have already been with one. (Referring to my ex Finn, who's still throws money around like it grows on trees.)

I regret the the words as soon as they are out of my mouth, because I can see the flash of hurt go through her in a instance. But before I can take it back she says the last thing I'd ever expect to hear her say.

"Then go and find someone else"

Feeling like someone just punched me in the stomach.

"What the fuck did you just say?".......

Snapping myself out of my memories. Taking a deep breath I wipe my tears away. Pulling myself together. Time for another strenuous day at work. But most importantly another day of hell without her.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2

PRESENT

Walking through the halls of her newly acquired building Lexa is still having the hardest time believing that all of this could belong to her. Every time she walks to the suite door with her name branded across the top.  
Alexandria Woods.  
C.E.O  
It gives her a sense of power and, courage. Like maybe she could take on the world. She takes a seat at her desk. Paging her secretary.

"Harper? what do we have for today ? "

"Good morning Miss Woods" I can hear the smile in her voice.

"You have several meetings that you should make an appearance to today. But nothing of much significance."

Okay please inform me if something should come up!

"not a problem Miss Woods, and please let me know if you need me for anything!"

Is that flirtation I hear??

I bare down and think of Clarke, looking down at my phone, knowing I wouldn't have any messages from her.  
I can see her picture still set as my screen saver. I burst out laughing just thinking.

Clarke would kill Harper for even smiling in my direction. And that's when it all hits me once again. I don't belong to Clarke anymore. She let me leave, without even letting me explain to her that what I was doing, was for us to be able to start a family.

I open my mahogany drawers on my desk. And pull out the velvet box. How could a box so little mean so much?. I had a plan. Buy the house of our dreams......get down on one knee and propose to her....

Since I was 17 I've never pictures a future without her, but here I am falling into pieces because I can't hear her voice right now.

Leaning back in the chair she runs her fingers through her hair. If Clarke only knew that all I want at this moment was to be wrapped up in her attention. To be loved by her is amazing, she's so attentive, so affectionate, and so understanding...

Well at least she was in the pass. Have I been that bad a girlfriend, that she couldn't tolerate me anymore?

We've always had a bond. One that I never thought could be broken or even tested. I smack my teeth and grab for my phone. Fuck this I say out loud and pull up my contacts. I go to Clarke's name and gather all the courage I have.

Buzz.. Buzz..... Buzzzzz.... Uuuhh I see Octavia's face appear on my screen.

"Hey miss C.E.O you to good for us peasants now?

I chuckle "hey O! I've missed you."

"Hhaha I've missed you too, whatcha got planned for tonight? A bunch of us are hitting a few clubs. You wanna come?"

I hesitate,

"who's going to be there? "

"Um the Pope for all I know, it's the weekend Lexa everyone will be out tonight I'm assquming." She says joking.

"Well you know what they say about assuming? " I ask teasingly. 

" mmh true but you know what they say about ex girlfriends trying to find out where the other ex is going to be right??

There's a long pause on my end.

"No what do they say? " I ask.

" What do they say about what? .. Oh shit I don't know I was completely being an ass. But seriously if you want to ask me about Clarke then ask."

I sigh.... "Is she going to be there?"

"no" she says it with so much disappointment that I wish I could invite Clarke myself.

"I wish you guys would get your shit together. It's obvious that You guys are still in love!"

"maybe you should remind her of that!" But anyways yea ill see you guys there .

I hang the phone up, and I find myself in a shitty mood. Worse than before actually , why wasn't she coming?

What? is she to good to be around me now??

I'm being unreasonable but some how I want to blame Clarke for everything.  
Every thought I had to call her or even text her are gone, and I just want to get through these meetings as soon as possible.

***********************

I feel the stress leave my body as soon as I feel the leather seats underneath me. I tell my driver to take me home. Well back to the hotel I've taken resident in.its the best room they have to offer. Glitz and glamour, beautiful scenery. But with out Clarke it's dull. I bite my lips and close my eyes. Just thinking about what it would feel like for her to come and wrap her arms around my waist. No one will ever make me feel the way she does. Shaking my thoughts away i walk towards my closet, thinking of all the things Clarke would love to see me in. You know just in case she's there.

Ready to leave I take one last look in the mirror. Dressed in a tan blazer with a white button up that's honestly so tight I can see my heartbeat. Dark blue skinny jeans and all white nikes. I smell wonderful. Adding a watch I'm out the door.

Being rich definitely has it's perks, I pull up in a all black Audi A8. Walking into the bar the music is loud and I can feel the bass going thought my body. It feels like tonight will be a good one, I think to myself as I make my way to the bar. I ask for a V.I.P section and for a variety of bottles for my friends. I walk around looking for someone I recognize and I'm able to catch Anya by the arm.

"Hey cousin I say pulling her into a hug." Her body goes ridged and stiff.

"Uuuhh hey Lexa what are you doing here?" I pull out of the hug, hurt a little that she doesn't seem happy to see me. "What am I supposed to not come out?"

"what?.... Noo I just wasn't expecting to run into you that's all. You look great by the way."

I blush a little. A compliment from Anya are far and few.

"Who did you come with?" I ask.

Looking really nervous and uncomfortable she starts to reply when I hear a familiar voice coming over the music.

" LEXAAAAA You made it!" Octavia says as she makes her over to me.

"Hey" I say with a huge grin on my face. Despite how crazy Octavia is she's the best friend you'd ever want to have.

"Where has your ass been hiding? She says squeezing me into a hug.

Placing a tiny kiss to her cheek. I reply

"Oh.... you know slaving away at the office." ( If she only knew I've been staring at pictures of Clarke crying myself to sleep.)

"Come on I got us a table." I tell them.

I hear Anya saying something about using the bathroom.

Octavia linking her arm through mines. I ask her

"What's her deal?"

She's looks up at me and says

"If you only knew".


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Present

Looking at myself in the mirror, wiping some of the sweat from dancing away. The vodka was surly doing its job. I was trying to forget all of my problems tonight and let the last few weeks fade away. But the more I drank the more I kept seeing those green eyes. Uuuugh hating myself for always thinking about her. I look in the mirror one more time.

"Come on Clarke pull yourself together" I say to myself on the way out the door. Walking towards the bar Anya collides into me nearly running me over...

"Daaaamn slow down Anya,where's the fire?" I ask slightly irritated.

"It's Lexa...she's here!"

I feel all the blood drain from face. I can hear my heart beating in my ears.

"What do you mean she's here?" I asked nervously.

"Fuck! Does she know I'm here? Who's did she come with?"

"hey slow down" Anya says. " no she doesn't know your here and from the looks of it I think she came alone."

The amount of relief I felt at hearing that last part scares me. What if Lexa had moved on?

The though of her touching someone else rocks me to the core and I stumble a little.

Seeing panic in my eyes Anya grabs my wrist and asks me what do I want to do?

"I'm going to go!" I tell her.

"I'll take a uber so you guys can stay. But you owe me a lot more drinks" I say jokingly.

"Clarke! I'm not just going to ditch you, I invited you out remember. So We can go back to your place and drink some more there and talk about whatever."

Feeling a bit better I tell her thank you. I didn't really want to be alone tonight anyways. Especially with Lexa running through my mind like reruns.

"Okay it's settled then, let me go tell them goodnight and I'll meet you at the door."

"Ok!" I tell her. "I can't see her right now I'm not ready."

She nods her head in understanding.

I watch Anya walking towards the V.I.P section... I feel venom in my mouth!!! of fucking course she would be flaunting her money. She's having the time of her life. While I what? Stay at home crying over her. Over us!!

Ssspph not anymore I find myself stomping to the door. But before I reach it I can feel her gaze on me. I can feel her presence even before I look up.

Don't look at her Clarke I tell myself.

But who the hell am i kidding I can't even help myself. We are feet away from each other but I can feel her, how is that possible.

I take her in from head to toe and oh my God. She's stunning.

Lexa has always been on the masculine side and her style of dress was no different. I see her excuse herself from more of our friends who must've just gotten here. She's walking towards me cautiously and I'm frozen in time.

"Hello Clarke"

My heart rate increases at the sound of her voice. I've missed her so much. The way she says my name sends shivers through me. I can barley get my brain to formulate words to say.

I find myself staring at her jawline and her lips that I know better than I know myself. I want to kiss her soo bad.

Snapping myself out of my thoughts I clear my throat.

"Hey Lexa" I say weakly,

We stand in front each other awkwardly.

"You look beautiful Clarke"

I can see desire, Love and hurt in her eyes. She's looks so troubled, like she's fighting with herself about something. I wish I could take all that pain away, and replace it with her beautiful smile. The one that's reserved for only me.

"Can I hug you?" She asks me.

I feel my heart break even more thinking to myself my body belongs to you. And you don't ask for what belongs to you. You simply take it. But we aren't together anymore.

I sigh... "Of course Lexa!."

She has her arms around me in a instant burying her face in the crook of my neck.  
I can feel her breathing my scent in like she's trying to commit it to memory. Wrapping my arms around her neck I can smell her cologne and her scent invading my senses. She tightens her hold on me.

Without letting me go she asks me.. "how are you love?"

I had to bite back a moan, feeling her breath against my neck is driving me insane.

Absentmindedly I find myself caressing the nape of neck, not wanting to leave her embrace.

"I've seen better days" I tell her.

"Same here" she chuckles and pulls me even closer. Some how my shirt lifts a little and I can feel her hands on my waist.

Fuck!! I groan I can feel the heat shoot straight to the bottom of my stomach. My arousal soaking through my panties at just this little touch.

"I miss you" she says it with so much pain that for a second I think she is crying. I feel her lips brush against my neck and this time I can't stop the moan that sneaks out. Pulling at the back of her neck so she knows I want her to look at me.

I mis....

"They're you guys are I've been looking for you every where Clarke!!!" Anya says and I immediately take a step away from Lexa. Missing her touch already.

"You ready to go" Anya asks me not realizing what she just interrupted.

"Wait you guys aren't leaving already right? I got us a table and a few bottles"

She says it quickly like she's panicking at the though of me leaving.

"Umm yea I was coming to find you to say goodbye" Anya says awkwardly.

"Oh" Lexa says sounding and looking miserable, she pulls Anya into a hug. "Stop being a damn stranger"

Anya laughs a little. "Sorry honey I'll stop by that ugly hotel building your calling home these days."

I feel pain shot right through me again. It kills me to think of Lexa living out of a hotel room. No matter how nice it probably is. And Even though our apartment was small. It was ours and it was home.

"please call or text me" Lexa says pulling me into another one of her hugs. And I completely melt into her.

"I'll try"... I say looking up into her eyes and I can see the flash of hurt go through them. I put that hurt there and I immediately regret the words.

Swallowing her pain she places a soft kiss to my forehead.

She turns and walks away. Leaving me standing there with tears in my eyes. I feel Anya tugging on my arm.

"Come on Griffin time to go home and get drunk"

Walking back out the club with Anya I almost feel normal. But I can still smell Lexa on me. Taking a deep breath I tell Anya to prepare herself for a epic hangover.

*******************************

3 weeks ago

"Clarke your being selfish. Everything I do is for us. And I'm just securing our future"

Deep down I know she's right, but it feels so wrong. Is this what I have to look forward to? I think to myself. A future without her being home?. A future where she forgets our anniversaries?

Lexa if I wanted some rich workaholic I could have already been with one. (Referring to my very rich ex)  
I regret the the words as soon as they are out of my mouth, because I can see the flash of hurt go through her in a instance. But before I can take it back she says the last thing I'd ever expect to hear her say.

"Then go and find someone else"

Feeling like someone just punched me in the stomach. I ask her "what the fuck did you just say?

Feeling my hands ball up into fist. I ask her again this time louder "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY??" I see her flinch and take a few steps back her expression is shocked, like she didn't expect my reaction to be so strong. She stands there saying nothing. I'm beyond pissed at her silence.

"Is that what you want Lexa? For me to go and be with someone else?"

"No of course not Clarke!" I see the pain on her face. My instinct is to run to her and kiss her pain away, and make her forget everything. But I can't something doesn't feel right.

"Lexa is this what our future is going to be like? You buried in your work, me never seeing you, feeling all alone?. Because I can't live like that. You seen how my mom struggled with my dad always being away when we were younger. And I refuse to turn out the same way she did."

"Lexa I physically need you to be around me!!"

I tell her as the tears start to pour out now.

Lexa knows how clingy I am. It's actually one of the things she loves mostly about me. She loves how much I love her.

"Baby... I know it seems like I'm not here for you but trust me, everything will be back to normal soon and I just need you to be okay with that".

"How long is soon Lexa?"I say smoothing out the stress lines on my forehead.

"I don't know Clarke! maybe 6 months or less than a year."

"What?!!!! You can't be serious. Why the fuck do you care so much about that company? Is it the money?" She looks at me like I've grown another head.

"Uuuhh yea Clarke I though that would be obvious. This changes everything for us babe. We don't have to worry about anything anymore."

"I don't care about the money Lexa I only want you. We've been fine all of this time"....

"We clearly are in two very different places in this relationship right now."

"No we are not I don't want to lose you Clarke. My future is with you"

"Than choose me! Leave the company, let Anya run it and we can go back to normal."

"Clarke you know I can't do that"

Then leave! ....

She rushes over to me. 

"please Clarke you can't do this to me. My feelings for you are the same, and I love you more than anything."

"Clearly you don't", I say with heavy tears falling down my face. "I won't live a life like my mother did. Always wanting more from dad. Look at how I turned out. I'm a fucking mess Lexa. When we are both at work your the only thing on my mind. And everyday I can't wait to be back in your presence."

"I'm absolutely addicted to you, and I know I sound selfish. Believe me I do. I can't even believe I'm saying this shit out loud. But I can't stand your absents."

shaking my head and still avoiding her eyes.

She's hasn't said a word. And then it's like something clicks in her and she's pulling me by my face. Kissing me hard.

I love the taste of her.....

She's kissing me like it's our last kiss and I open myself up more for her. She's desperate, and deepens the kiss parting my lips with her tongue. I can't help but to suck her tongue into my mouth. I can feel her body shaking with her tears and it's breaking my heart. But I don't want this kiss to end. She pulls away from me for just a second and quickly comes right back. She bites down on my bottom lip and then sucks it into her mouth making my mind go blank. Her hands are on the small of my back caressing my skin. She moves her kisses to my ears and then to my neck.

"Please don't leave me baby," another kiss to my neck "I can't lose you" she says.

I can feel her tongue pressed hard against my jaw, it's like she's trying to claim me or just leaving her mark.

" I love you so much and I promise it will get better. Just a few more months baby and I'll" ......

I pull away from her. Wiping my lips.

"Leave!" I say in a voice that I don't even recognize.

"Leave now Lexa."

"Clarke don't do this.. " her face filled with so much hurt.

"Please" she puts her hands together.

"I SAID LEAVE"

And with that she grabs only her wallet and leaves.

The walls close in around me and I feel like apart of me just left. And I start to cry. Not just any cry but a cry that has my body on the floor in pain. My chest hurts so bad, and half of me is telling me to go after her and get on my knees and beg her for forgiveness. But the more selfish part of me will not end up like my mother. So instead I let the pain take control of me and let the tears flow.


	4. Chapter 4

Present

"Anyaaaaa!! Pour another shot." I'm still feeling feelings I say stumbling to the counter.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea Clarke, I think one of my kidneys is crying." She says while laughing.

"You're a puss". I get up to pour us some more shots. So how's your love life going? I ask her. Feeling the burn of the vodka.

"It's been slow actually," she chokes a little on her shot.

"Seriously Clarke that's my last one."

I can only grin at her. "Why are you still single you're gorgeous, just like your stupid cousin." I say Pouting sadly.

"Aww poor baby" she teases, " to answer your question I'm waiting for the right one. And what was the deal with you and Lexa tonight? You guys looked really cozy"

I close my eyes still feeling her fingers around my waist. Pulling my shirt up to my nose hoping I can still smell her cologne.

"I want to make babies with her" I say flopping back down on the couch.

Bursting out laughing Anya has tears in her eyes. "You know she doesn't have the right anatomy righ? "

"HAhhaha of course I know. Honestly I know every inch of her body. And trust me if Lexa had a real penis I would have already had several of her kids running around here, ruining all my parents hopes and dreams for me." I say dreamingly.. 

"I'd give her anything Anya." That sobers me up really quickly and I take a sip right out the bottle.

Anya looks at me like she contemplating her thoughts. "Clarke how could you do this to her?" She's not looking at me anymore. " you pushed her away like she didn't mean anything to you."

I stand up infuriated.

"Anya how can you say that to me? She's means more to me than anything in the world." I feel the knot in my throat tighten. 

"Is that what she thinks Anya? That she doesn't mean anything to me!?"

Anya finally looks at me with anger in her eyes.

"Should she feel any other way? Being thrown out of her own home, having to readjust her way of living, and then being forced to stay away from the only person she loves more than her own life."

Anya stands pacing back and forth, well as much as the alcohol will allow.

"You have no right to talk about Lexa anymore, she's not herself anymore. Seeing her tonight is the best she's looked in almost a month. She calls me in the middle of the night sometimes just to cry. And I have to sit there and listen to one of the sweetest people in the world sob." 

Letting out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. my heart beating wildly out of control, picturing Lexa like that kills me. But I won't waiver in my stubbornness .

"Anya she made her choice." I tell her trying to not show the pain I'm feeling.

"What choice did she make huh Clarke? Throw away your future??, I repeat your future! For what? a life living pay check to pay check ? Worrying about shit that's out of her control?"

Anya pauses and stares at me.

"She made the right choice, but you let your stubbornness blind you. Honestly you probably don't even deserve her anymore. she worships the ground you walk on and you let her go."

Feeling sick with hurt and regret I walk back toward the kitchen. Bumping Anya roughly because she's hurting me on purpose.

"Anya I refuse to be like my parents in a loveless relationship, my father was never home. Always promising us time that we never got. Always telling her he was sorry for missing something important. And I'd have to watch her cry for him. She even wanted more kids but was so stressed over him that she never did."

Getting us each a water bottle. "I won't have a family like that. No matter the cost."

"Come on Clarke your talking about Lexa like she's miraculously going to turn into Jake. You've been together all this time and you've always come first"

"She missed our anniversary." I tell her still a little pissed about it.

"Okay and your miss fucking perfect right? You need to wake up and fix this before its to late."

And with that she starts making her way to the guest room.

"I'm going to bed. I can barely see the names in my phone. Uuuhh I'm going to be so hurt in the morning!!! Think about what I said Clarke, fix this!"

Goodnight Anya!

Walking to my room I get undressed fumbling everything. Feeling dizzy as soon as my head hits the pillow. I immediately think of Lexa and everything that Anya said. She was right of course. Had I really not trusted Lexa?? She's never giving me any reason not to. And I just gave up on her! I threw Lexa out of our home. And then it finally hits me, I left her. I betrayed her. How could she even look at me the same?. How can I fix this?  
Would she even give me a chance too?

I spend another night crying myself to sleep. Holding her pillow close to my chest.

I'm so sorry baby..........

**********************************

Two Months later

Lexa is finding c.e.o life stressful, but some what easy. She graduated with her degree in business knowing that one day she would be here. Just never expecting it to happen so soon. She likes her new life. money, cars, the clothes, especially the clothes.!! They were tailored made designer suits. And she felt powerful in them.

Seeing she has nothing else planned for the day. She gets her phone and starts a group chat. 

Anya/Octavia/Raven

Lexa(6:35) Hey!! who wants to help me find a new apartment ??

Anya(6:38) when?

Raven(6:40) I do haha I have nothing planned.

Lexa(6:42) Tonight! I know it's kinda late but I know a realtor who'll help us out.

O(6:46) Tired of the fancy hotel life I see. But I can't I have plans with linc already.

Anya(6:50) ok cool where should We meet you? And Octavia you suck.😝😝

Lexa(6:53) don't worry I'll send a car. And who's we?

Raven(6:55) Oh me and Anya are already together.

O(6:59) heyyy no invite? 😡😡😡 I see how it is.

Lexa(7:02) lol well let's all get together soon.

Closing my phone I grab my bag and head out the door.

Anya and Raven got there almost at the same time as the realtor. I greet them with warm hugs. 

Hey guys! You look good i say smiling at them.

"Um no we don't" Raven says laughing. " Jeez Lexa have you seen yourself lately? You look like a fucking model."

Turning a bright shade of red. I tell her thanks before turning to my realtor.

"Hey this is Costia my personal realtor."

She turns to greet them. "Hello it's nice to meet you both. Shall we" she said gesturing towards the apartment building.

We were standing in the entrance waiting for the elevator before Anya spoke again.

"Speaking of you being a model, I saw you on the cover of that magazine. The one that only rich people read, it was amazing Lex. I'm really proud of you. "

Feeling like this conversation is to much for a crowd. I give her hand a quick squeeze and tell her thank you.

The elevator opens to the penthouse and I'm in shock with how beautiful it is.

Raven runs right past me .

"Daaaamn Lexa this place is amazing. And this view oh my God it's beautiful. Clarke would love this!"

Feeling like someone punched me in the stomach. I lose my breath just hearing her name.

Sensing the tension in the room Costia asks if we are ready for the tour.

"Yes" we all say in unison.

**********************************

After the tour Costia asks what I think of the place.

I turn looking at my friends.

"I actually kind of love it. What do you guys think? "

"We love it too" Anya says.

"Really?" I say with a smile on my face.

They both nod.

"Okay then I'll take it."

Costia looks pleased.

"Ok great I'll have all the paper work sent over to your office."

Thank you I say and go to shake her hand. She holds on a little longer than necessary.

She gives me a beautiful smile saying she'll be in touch.

I turn to face my friends, they are giving me a death stare.

Shocked I ask them. "What?"

"How long have you known your little realtor? Anya asks me with irritation.

"Uh not long a month or so. I've been trying to get out of that hotel for awhile, but i haven't liked anything until today."

"Oh well she's been giving you the I want you stare all day"

"Eww yes she was starting to creep me out" Raven agrees.

"Ha you guys are delusional, and trust me I won't be dating anyone anytime soon."

"Ssspph better not" Raven says under her breath.

"You guys ready to go? "

****  
walking out the building I offer them both a ride. Dropping Raven off first. She hops out saying her goodbyes, but before she closes the door she gives Anya a not so friendly kiss to the cheek.

"Bye" Anya says way to softly.

"Um so what was that about?" I saw with an amused smile. 

"Nothing" she says blushing.

"Nothing my ass. Your keeping secrets from me now? "

"No of course not. We are just testing the waters"

"Testing the water huh"! I give her my shit eating grin.

"Yea it's nothing to serious"

Not wanting to make her look anymore nervous then she already does. I decide to let her off the hook.

"Okay if you say so! So where are you heading I ask her." Seeing my driver waiting for direction.

She hesitates a little.

"Im actually heading over to Clarke's for dinner."

WWHAT!!! I yell. Panic ripping through me.

"Sorry Lexa I totally forgot. I can find another ride don't worry about it!"

"Shut up Anya" I growl and give my driver my old address.

Seething with anger I try to let it go. And suddenly I'm asking Anya about Clarke. Shocking myself.

"She's better than yesterday and then the day before that." 

"Tell me Anya."

Taking a deep breath she begins.

"She's a mess Lexa. It's hard to get her to do much of anything. I have to make sure she eats. She takes showers now after her job threatened her" she says that last part with a chuckle.

"Why haven't you called her Lexa? It's been three months and she still cries into your pillow every night. Refusing to wash your scent away. It honestly feels like you died when it comes to her."

Clenching my hands in to fist! 

"Have you forgotten she did this!!!!! Did you forget that she put me out? That she broke my heart into pieces. She treated me like I didn't love her, like I was a fucking stranger."

"I begged her Anya. And she still told me to leave."

My eyes starting to sting with unshared tears. 

Anya pulls me into a hug.

"I know, and it was the biggest mistake she's ever made."

Holding on to I tell her,

"That night at the club I thought we would fix it. And I asked her to call me, but she didn't and I've never been this angry at her. Or with anyone"

Feeling the car come to a stop. I realize that we are at the building that holds so many memories. Pulling myself together as best I can. I tell Anya I'll give you a call later.

"You should come in"

"No" I tell her wiping the tears away. And with that we drive away.

Getting back to the hotel room that I hate. I start to get undress thinking about the day.

I can't believe I bought a penthouse.. Remembering Ravens words "Clarke would love this" .

And secretly that's what made me love it more. I find a bottle of vodka and take a few sips. Sitting at the edge of my bed in only a wife beater and boxers, I let my hair pool around my shoulder. Taking a few more sips I grab my phone. Finding Clarke's name I start to write a text, but every time I go to hit the send button I toss my phone aside like I've done 100 other times. I've even broken a few making apple richer. Taking another drink I pick the phone back up and start to torture myself. Re reading all the text between me and Clarke, I have them almost memorized. Feeling the little comfort I get from seeing the words "I love you" I let the vodka take me into a dreamless sleep.

*******************************

On the other side of town Clarke is opening the door for Anya.

Hey she says giving her a quick nod, Anya becoming use to Clarke's lack of affection these days walks in and takes her jacket off.

"How's your day been?"

"Fine I guess. I'm actually thinking of taking some time off work. My mom has more than enough nurses down at her clinic. So it's not like I'll be causing any problems."

I can see the look on her face that's not approving.

"Clarke you don't need more time alone" you need to actually get out of the house and go be around real people."

I'm fine Anya! Feeling the tears prick my eyes. I hurriedly change the subject. anyway how was your day?

She stiffens and I can see the stress in her shoulders.

"It was interesting I guess" she says walking to the kitchen. "What's for dinner?"

"Lasagna! Why was it interesting?" I asked sensing she was hiding something from me.

"Oh um Lexa text us to go look for an apartment with her."

"You saw Lexa today? And.. and she's looking for a new apartment?"

I feel my heart shatter this was it. She's moving on with her life and not coming back home.

"uh yea she actually bought the place we were looking at"

Anya digging through the cabinets for plates can't see the anguish on my face.

I just stand there not replying, not able to say anything because I was totally lost now.

Anya still oblivious to my current state keeps rambling about her day. Concluding with the fact. That Lexa had dropped her off.

This pulls me out of my anguish!

"Lexa was outside?? Why didn't you tell her to come in. What the fuck!!! how could she be that close to me and not see me.?"

"I told her she should but she said she couldn't." She says shaking her head.

I guess I'm the only one hurting in all this. I say bitterly. 

"She told me she begged you not to do it"

I put my head down ashamed at myself for the way I treated Lexa. And my silence says it all.

"Wow Clarke that's a hard one to swallow? Why haven't you called her?"

"How can I? Look at all the shit I did to her. That I put her through."

Forgetting the food I go in search for something strong to drink.

"Clarke your problems are not at the bottom of that bottle. You need to pull yourself out of this turmoil. Maybe if u got your shit together you would start to remember the person Lexa is."

Ignoring the first part I take a long gulp of my drink. The burn helping me forget the pain for just a second. Are you going to eat? I ask her.

"Yea I'm actually pretty hungry. But seriously contact her. It'll make you feel better. "

We sit down eating in silence

"How did she look? I had to know. Only having seen her in a magazine. I was stunned when I saw her. In a deep black suit hair curled over her shoulders, with a blinding smile, the headline reading Meet the Hot new C.E.O Alexandria Woods.  
She looked amazing. My beautiful Lexa.!! She was out there living her dreams and I couldn't even pick up the phone to congratulate her.

"Well according to Rae she looks like a fucking model. Her words not mine. But on the inside she's broken. All of the other stuff is just for show."

Satisfied with her answer but Irritated that even Raven had gotten a chance to see her. I take another sip of my drink .

Anya is studying me like she thinking if she should let me in on something.

"What is it?"

She takes a deep breath.

"I'm only telling you this because I love you both. But whatever your going to do as far as Lexa is concerned, you better get to it."

"Why?"

"Because there's a certain realtor that couldn't take her eyes of Lexa or keep her hands off for that matter."

"What!!!!" I stand abruptly almost knocking my chair over. "Who the fuck is she?" I ask horrified.

"Whoa okay miss Mighty Mouse calm down, Lexa is not interested. But Costia is gorgeous and you can't expect Lexa to sit around and wait on you forever." She says while cleaning up the table.

Costia I say her name with hatred. "Thanks for telling me Anya I appreciate it."

"Yea yea yea I want to see you guys work it out. I'm going to head home are you okay?"

"Yea I'm fine." Walking her to the door I thank her and tell her I'll text her.

Walking to my lonely room, bottle in hand. I let everything Anya told me digest.  
Lexa had bought a place without me, and called our friends for help instead of me.  
And this Costia lady had to go I think darkly. The though of her touching Lexa makes my body shake. The though of Lexa wanting someone else to touch her makes my stomach turn. Picturing Lexa moan from someone else's touch finally sends me over the edge.

With fear of losing her for good and extreme jealously flowing through every limb. I pick up my phone. Finding her name.

Clarke(11:30) Hi!

I hit send and oh my God I'm more nervous then I've ever been in my entire life...


	5. Chapter 5

Present

Lexa wakes up with a raging headache, looking for the time on her phone. "Ugh fuck, it must've died while I was killing myself".  
She puts it on the charger. And sees the clock reading 6:45am. It's Saturday so she doesn't have to be anywhere. She heads for a shower, another day of anger, pain and faking.

Feeling some what better dressed in sweats and a tank top she orders some breakfast and turns her phone on. Scrolling through there's a ton of messages from Harper! 

"I should get another phone for only work". Seeing more messages from Anya and Octavia asking about the penthouse.

And then I see her contact name and time stands still. Clarke text me!

Feeling like my chest is going to cave in, I open the message.

Clarke(11:30) Hi!

How can a two letter word hold so much value. And at the same time piss me off.  
After all this time she only says hi? Shaking those thoughts away I open the text box.

Lexa(7:45) Hello Clarke.

Not expecting a reply this early in the morning I jump a little when it chimes.

Clarke(7:47) how are you?

Lexa(7:48) I've seen better days.

Lexa(7:48) How are you?

Clarke(7:51) I can say the same lol. I've seen better days.....

Lexa(7:53)Yea!! Your up really early from your normal time.

Clarke(7:54) lol yea I don't get much sleep.

Lexa(7:55) smh Clarke you know better! 

Rolling my eyes from her not taking better care of herself.

Clarke(7:58) Can I see you?

*****************************

Shit shit shit.... Lexa is actually texting me back. I'm soo fucking nervous.  
I can see the three dots appearing and disappearing. And then nothing at all. I wait about 5 mins before I put my phone down. Scolding myself for being so eager. Of course she probably wouldn't want to see me. But I couldn't help myself. Something really did click in me last night and I cant stay away from her for another day, another hour, or even another minute. I pick up the phone and still no reply. “Fine I'll just go to her” I decide making my way to the shower.

Freshly out the shower I'm dressed in a pair of black skinny jeans, and a white button up that I still need to button. But someone is at the door I growl with frustration knowing it's Anya. Not even bother to finish with the buttons I pull the door open.

"Why are you here so fuc-"...

I pause at the door.. Standing there in a all black button up thats so tight I can see her abs. And black formal pants. That had to be made just to fit her. And then her scent hits me like a ton of bricks. Her green eyes hard but I can see all kinds of emotions in them.

"Hello Clarke, you wanted to see me?"

My mouth goes dry. How on earth was I ever lucky enough to have held her before. Getting some sense back. I open the door for her.

"Uhh yes I ugh didn't think you were going to come by. I would've cleaned up more." Looking around embarrassed at the state of this place.

"It's fine Clarke" she says taking me in and suddenly turning around.  
I looked down shocked to see my shirt still unbutton.

"Oh shit sorry Lexa, I though you were Anya!"

Hurt that she actually turned around. Even though me and Lexa weren't married I devoted myself to her a long time ago. And my body was hers. And now she's turning away from me.

Finishing up with the shirt I tell her to take a seat. She walks past me her back so straight and formal. Like we are strangers.

"Can I get you anything ? Something to drink or to eat?"

"No I'm fine Clarke thank you. You look good by the way"

A lie! I know I look like shit. But thats how Lexa is she makes sure everyone in the room feels good.

"Liar!" I say with a smile, "but thank you."

She just smiles.

"So what do you have planned today, I don't want to keep you from something."

"I actually don't do much of anything or the weekends."

Hearing Lexa voice is sending me over the edge.

"So"... She says. And fuck I'm just staring at her.

"Oh sorry just let me grab a drink really quickly."

"Clarke it's only 10 something in the morning" she's says looking at me with disappointment written on her face.

"Well it's happy hour somewhere in the world. Swallowing my drink down to help with my nerves."

"Yea I guess your right" she says.

I get enough courage to go and sit in the seat across from her.

"So how's work?" I ask her awkwardly. She seems agitated that I asked her about work, but then relaxes at the light conversation.

"It's actually going really well, it's not easy by a long shot, but I'm managing it just fine."

"Yea I saw you in that magazine, you looked amazing. And happy lex. I'm so proud of everything you've accomplished." 

“Are you Clarke?” 

Seeing the anger radiating from her I realize that I shouldn’t be asking about the one thing that I let destroy us. 

“Yes I’m proud of you Lexa. I always knew you’d be someone special in the world. I guess I just wasn’t ready to share you.”

She chuckles humorlessly and scuffs at me. "Thank you Clarke" 

Lexa stands walking to the kitchen to grab a drink.

I can't take my eyes off of her. I want to hug her so much it hurts, but she didn't even attempt to get that close to me. She'd been here maybe 10 mins and she hasn't looked me in the face. But even this version of Lexa stiff and cold, was enough to hold me together for now.

She's moving around in the kitchen freely and pauses.

"Shit I'm sorry Clarke I don't mean to be rude. Do you mind if I make myself a drink? 

"Your apologizing for getting a drink?" I look at her like she's losing her mind.

"Lexa please it's just me, for God sake Lexa you lived here for years. You don't need to ask me for a damn drink."

"Im sorry I just didn't want to overstep or anything".

She pours herself a drink and downs it. And then she pours another. Walking back to where we were seated. But she doesn't sit.

"Why did you want to see me?"

Because I'm suffering without you I think to myself.

"I wanted to talk about everything. And I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you that day."

She's standing there looking shocked, but she recovers quickly and finishes her second drink. She walks back to the kitchen pouring another.

Since when did she drink so much? She put the empty glass back down. And was about to pour another but I'm in front of her before she can. Taking the glass from her.

"Lexa please look at me,"

I can see her jawline clench and unclench but she finally looks down in to my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I start "I'm more sorry than you'll ever know. I'm sorry I ruined everything, that I ruined our relationship."

The tears have been in my eyes just never falling.

"Lexa I gave up on you and I don't know if you can forgive me but I can't do this anymore. I can't live another day without you."

I step into her space and wrap my arm around her middle. She doesn't even flinch or return the hug. But I don't let go.

"Lexa I can barley breath without you."

Looking up at her I can smell the vodka on her breath but I don't care.

Leaning up inches away from her lips.

"Please forgive me Lexa."

And I place a kiss on her lips. She doesn't kiss me back but she didn't pull away either.

"I love you so much" I kiss her again.

She still doesn't move, but I won't give up. I start pulling her shirt from out of her pants.

"baby I need you."

Letting my fingers slid across her abs. She bites down on her bottom lip. And I moan at the site.

I place another kiss to her lips as soon as she releases it. And this time I feel her lips move against mines. I can feel her muscles flinching. And I start rubbing my hands up and down her back. She finally opens her mouth for me. And the taste of her soaks my pants. Then the kiss gets hard and it’s different from every kiss we ever shared. It's sloppy, wet and wild.

She's goes down to my neck and bites down hard, actually way to hard. But I don't care.

"Baby I love you so much." 

She still doesn't say anything but now she's looking at me with only lust and desire. Pressing my back against the counter. She's kissing me again. And it's hard for me to catch my breath.  
Suddenly she's lifting me and my legs wrap around her waist. She sits me down on top of the counter. And tears my shirt open, I can hear the buttons hitting the floor around us. She buries her face in to my breast. Dragging her tongue from the middle crease of my breast to my throat and then to the very tip of my chin. I try to grab her neck for more but she grabs my hands and presses them into the counter.

I can't think straight with her mouth on me.

Her hands are grabbing my ass now. Pulling me closer, and my body tries to grind into her but my jeans are in the way. I'm soo wet that I'm starting to feel it on my thighs.

Then I'm back in the air legs and arms wrapped around her. She's still kissing me deeply. Not having to see where she's going having done this plenty of times. We make our way into the room, before she places me down on the bed. She rips her shirt off and I quickly notice the weight she's lost. But I can’t think about that right now. She's back on top of me. Pinning my hands above my head. She uses the other to unclasp my bra. My breast spill out and She bites her lip hypnotized by them. I love how much she loves my body.

She grabs one and sucks hard on the other one. Massaging them until they ache with pleasure. Still holding my hands firmly to the bed. She starts sliding her other hand down my stomach. And all my muscles go ridged. I need her to touch me,

“Lexa please!... Please touch me”. I say looking her in her green eyes. And then she slides her hand down my pants, dragging her fingers through my clit. She's moans deeply and I can feel more of my wetness pool out of me.

I lean up biting her on her shoulder.

"You feel so good baby". I tell her as she paints my clit with my own wetness.

I need to feel her, but every time I try to move my hands I feel resistance. And through the fog of pleasure I finally realize that Lexa hasn't spoken a single word or allowed me to touch her.

"Let me touch you baby". She tightens her grip. But doesn't say anything.

"Lexa please let me feel you."

"No"

She still fucking me and I can barley hold back the cum I feel building up. With strength I didn't know I possessed I tell her to stop.

"No"

"Lexa stop." I say more softly.

She snatches her body away from me. And stands looking for her shirt.

"Lexa what's wrong?"

She doesn't answer me, she walks into the closet to get another shirt. Pulling a white tee over her head she leaves the room. She grabs the bottle and pours another drink.

I run after her grabbing an old shirt from the floor.

"Lexa please wait!" She's standing there shaking with anger.

"Why did you want to see me Clarke? To play with my emotions?"

"No of course not, I told you why! I'm still in love with you. "

She throws the glass against the wall shattering it into pieces.

"No your not!"

"Lexa listen I know I hurt you, but I though I was making a good decision for myself."

That pisses her off even more.

She kicks the refrigerator knocking everything from the top on to the floor.

Going back down the hallway to the bedroom, she punches a hole in the wall. I didn't follow her I just waited to see what she'd do next. I can hear her tearing through stuff but I don't know what it is.

She comes back with a single picture. And storms right pass me.

"You can throw the rest of my shit away the same way you did me."

I place myself in between her and the door. Tears are hot on my face. "Lexa you have to forgive me".

"Move Clarke."

“Noo, I'm not letting you leave. Especially not like this!”

She hit the door behind me hard. So hard that I hear something pop. But she doesn't flinch.

"I asked you to move"

So now you want to hit me?

That got her attention fast and her eyes lighten up just a little.

"I would never do anything to hurt you." She says dropping her head. "I loved you more than anything. How could you do this to me?"

I lift my hands to her face and she pulls away.

"Please don't touch me" she tells me walking back in to the kitchen.

Ok. I follow her.

"Clarke what we had meant everything to me. What were you thinking!?"

“I was thinking of my mom and dad and how they turned out. And I didn't want that for us. I was being selfish.”

"You didn't trust me, and that's what hurts the most"

"Lexa just please give me a chance to fix this. If you need me to beg Lexa I'll beg you! You are my life, my soulmate, and I can't live this life without you."

She lifts her hands to wipe the tears away,and that's when I notices the blood going down her arm from her knuckles.

"Oh my God Lexa your hand is bleeding". I feel panic rise. Even though I know she's not in any real danger it scares me. I rush over to her avoiding the glass and whatever else that was on the floor. I grab a dish towel and wrap her hand.

Let me see baby! The term slips and I know she doesn't approve, but I know she's feeling the pain in her hand now.

"Clarke I'm fine"

“Actually I think it's broken.”

She moans when i touch it indicating a lot of pain. She grabs the bottle and takes a long sip.

When did you start to drink so much? I ask still examining her hand.

"When you broke my heart. I need to go " she says pulling her hand out of mines.

Sighing heavily running my fingers through my hair. Feeling the pain from her words sit deep in my chest. But I deserve it. 

“Lexa you need to go to the hospital” I tell her feeling exhausted.

"I'll handle it" she says.

“You can't drive in this state, let me take you.”

"My driver is outside"

Feeling defeated I let her go and start for the door. I grab her good hand and I place several kisses on it. I can smell my arousal from earlier and it's mixed with her scent. I almost sucked one of her fingers in my mouth, but I held myself in check. 

She stops and just stares at me by the door. Her eyes beautiful green eyes glazing over with tears and alcohol. Time seems to stand still before she says anything.

"I'm sorry for the way I acted today, I just need some time to get my shit together. Clarke I’ve never felt this kind of pain or anger before and I don’t know how to control it”. 

"It's ok lexa I understand." I tell her.

"Clarke you are my soulmate and I'll always love you. But how can I ever trust you again?”

"Because I know what it's like to live without you and I never want to feel that again."

She nods and opens the door. But she doesn't go through it, instead she closes it and turns around, pressing her back against it.

She takes a deep breath,

"Come here” 

For a minute I'm stuck looking stupid.

"I said come here" Using her good hand she grabs the front of my jeans.

Leaning in to her she kisses me. Softly and deeply. Pouring all her love into it.

Careful not to hurt hand I grab her arms. I try not to get to greedy, but how can I not be. She's perfect.

"Don't ever do this to me again. My life has no meaning without you" she says placing her forehead to mines.

“Never I promise” I tell her.

Kissing me again and, again I’m thinking this has to be a dream. And then she stops.

"Come with me to the hospital please"

Of course.

*****************

Sitting in her car. At first it feels awkward because with her moods swings I'm not sure the euphoria she's feeling will last long. I hear her telling her driver to go to the hospital . And then she's going through her pockets. Grimacing and winching with every movement,

“Lexa what are you doing?” I ask her.

"I'm trying to get my phone."

“Oh let me.” I lean over digging through her pockets. Finding her cell I hand it over to her.

"Thank you" she kisses me.

I blush like this is the first time she's ever kissed me.

Shes on the phone.

"Hey Harper could you get a new refrigerator and a few repair men sent to my old address?" There's a spare under the mat"

I can't hear what the other person is saying, but Lexa seems pleased.

"Great!! I'm actually heading to the hospital now....... Yea I'll be fine.  
Be sure to give Costia my number and tell her to contact me at any time."

She hangs up. And before I can ask her about Costia, we arrive at the hospital.

**********************  
Lexa 

Laying in the hospital bed waiting for some type of cast for my broken knuckles. While Clarke is out talking to her mom. I replay the moments leading up to this point. When I got to Clarke's my intention was to play it cool and maybe grab a few things. But that soon spiraled out of control when Clarke started telling me how she felt. The anger I felt at her hadn't disappeared. So when she kissed me and said I love you, I couldn't deal with it. The way she's treated me wasn't love. And the anger I felt clouded what I truly felt for Clarke. Even though I was crushed over the way our relationship ended, hearing her say those words unraveled me. It's all I've been wanting to hear. But In that moment I lashed out at her for making me go through the pain of losing her. I had every intention to leave and take more time to figure everything out.

"Because I know what it's like to live without you and I never want to feel that again"

Her words echoing in my head and That was all I needed to hear, I realized in that moment that I didn't want to spend another second without her. I couldn't.

Seeing her walk into my room makes my heart swell with joy. And I quickly realize that I'm feeling the affects of the pain meds and the alcohol I consumed earlier. Trying to stand up I stumble and she's right there holding me up.

"Lexa please be careful" she sounds exhausted

Staring down into her ocean blue eyes I lose myself in her. Pulling her into a hug so tight I think I can hear the air leaving her lungs.

"Clarke".... I say her name like its the first time I ever said it. And then I kiss her, slowly and deeply letting my tongue slid against the roof of her mouth letting her suck on my bottom lip. Kissing Clarke is muscle memory. But this kiss is leaving me breathless. Soon after I find myself biting her neck leaving a huge hickey unable to control my urge to claim her. I go up to her earlobe sucking it in between my teeth. Telling her..

"I need to make love to you" I tell her while I bite her neck again but the time soothing it with my tongue.

Fueled by the alcohol and whatever else I was feeling. I don't care about my surroundings. I only care about Clarke and this need I feel to touch her. it's almost overwhelming.

"Lexaa" she say my name followed by a moan. "My mom or someone else is going to come in here" her hands roaming through my hair.

"Ssshh" I silence her by biting her lip, my good hand making its way down her pants. I stare into her eyes as my fingers reaches her clit. She leans forward to kiss me. Leading with her tongue and I love every second of it.

"You're so sexy baby! You're so wet for me" I tell her teasing her entrance.

"It's all for you Lexa! I'm yours baby!" And I almost come undone. Sliding the tips of my fingers into her she moans quietly. And then there's a knock at the door. She pulls away quickly trying to straighten her clothes and hair. I'm not having any luck because my good hand is covered in Clarke. She sees my dilemma and tries to help but Abby has already entered the room.

He face turns a bright red because me and Clarke are quite obvious about what we had been up to.

"Looks like you guys finally made up." We both look up at each other with smiles plastered on our faces.

"Hey Abby" I say giving her a hug . "you look good!"

"Hello Lexa I've missed you. And I'm so happy that you two worked it out."

"Thanks mom Clarke says also giving her a hug."

"Ok now let me look at that hand, and Clarke please go and cover up whatever the hell that is that Lexa left on your neck."

Clarke's turns red reaching for her neck immediately, she's giving me a death stare before she walks over to me. Abby giving us a little space walks over to read my chart.

"You're lucky your already hurt" she says still glaring, but before she walks away she makes sure her mom is out of earshot and whispers in my ear.....

"You're more then welcome to leave another one on my pussy later" she pecks me on my open mouth and then leaves.

"Lexa please stop staring at my daughter like that in front of me" Abby says mocking the look on my face.

I roll my eye at being caught.

"Come on let's fix this hand" she says chuckling.

***************************

Clarke

Looking at the huge bite or hickey on my neck. I can't help but to smile and bite my lip. If someone else had giving me a hickey this big I would have probably dump them for being so carless, and childish for not being able to control themselves. But this was from Lexa and she was claiming me. Hell I'd pay her to leave another one on the other side. I'd wear them proudly letting the world know that I belonged to her. Sighing happily. I open one of my mom's cabinets and pull out one of the big bandaids to cover my neck. Finishing up quickly I speed walk almost running just to get back to lexa's room.   
Knocking solfy on the door before slowing walking in. I see my mom already finishing with lexa's cast. 

"Hey how's everything going in here?"

I asked looking directly at Lexa who looks completely out of it. 

"CLARKE!!" she says way to loudly. I turn to my mom giving her a questioning look. 

"I had to give her a little more meds while I put the cast on." she tells me. 

"Ohhh I see!" I say looking over to Lexa, I rub her arm and the back of her neck. Needing to touch her for my own comfort. She looks up at me with a small smile. 

"I'm still mad at you?!" instead of it sounding like a statement it was more like a question. I give her a few seconds to continue. 

" I don't know when I won't be mad at you..." Her words trailing but she continues. 

"BUT I--" 

“ssshh” I have to tell her, "Lexa you’re really loud." 

She waves me off before she goes on. 

"But I love you more than my anger, more than my hurt, and more than my sadness....  
Clarke you are mines. Only mines" 

she says grabbing the front of my shirt and pulling me strongly into her. 

"Hey hey hey!!! Save that for another day. I'm trying to focus on this cast here." 

My moms voice snatches every craving I had of taking Lexa right here and now.! She also seems to grab Lexa's drugged induced attention. 

"Abby do you know I secretly got her a connnndo?.. Well me a condo but it was for her! But don't tell her okay itss a secret." 

Lexa tells her absentmindly pulling me in even tighter. 

My mom being used to all kinds people under the influence, just looks up at Lexa with a smile. 

"Is that so?.. Well maybe when your better you both can show me around. Right Clarke?” She says looking over her shoulder directly at me. And thats when Lexa realizes her slip up. And she almost seems sober when she drops the hold she had on my shirt. Her eyes go wide. I try to reassure her and I tell her to lay down and let my mom finish.   
“We can talk about everything later.” I tell her.  
She looks over to me and nods before laying back and closing her eyes.

Before I know it I can hear little small snores coming from Lexa, and I can’t help but to lean over and nuzzle my nose into her neck. Pecking her on her cheek. I can feel my moms gaze on me. And without taking my eyes from Lexa I ask her what? 

“Nothing” she replies standing up and removing her gloves. “All done I’m going to give her some more meds to help her with the pain for the next few days but she should back to normal in no time.” 

“Thank you mom for doing this.” 

“It’s not a problem Clarke, she’s always been like a daughter to me. I’m just finally glad you got your head out of your ass and fixed it. You both deserve to be happy, so take care of her and each other.” She says before walking over to give me a quick hug. “I’ll go get her discharge papers and you can take her home.” 

“Okay mom I’ll give you a call when we are settled in.” She takes her leave and I’m alone with Lexa, torn between watching her sleep so peacefully or waking her up to our craziness. 

She makes my decision for me when she starts to shift a little.   
“Hey she says sorely, I feel like shit!” She says while licking her dry lips. I bend over to help her moisten them with a chaste kiss. 

“Yea? Mom said you might be feeling a little groggy when you woke up, but I have everything you need to know here in your discharge papers.” Holding them up so she can see them. She shakes her head ok. “You ready to go?” Without answering me she just stands up on wobbly legs. 

“Yes let’s go home


End file.
